Forbes just released their annual list of America's 400 richest people. For the first time ever, everyone's a billionaire.
That got me thinking.What would I do with a billion dollars?
Here's my top 4 ideas:
1) Buy a Senator.
I'd give him a million bucks and install a special red phone in his office. I would then use this phone to call him up with entertaining instructions like, "Today in the cloak room, rub your balls in front of Chuck Schumer for an uncomfortable 5 minutes. Stare with intent," and "Next time you walk into the Senate chambers, wear your briefs on the outside of your pants. Find the nearest Senator and ask if he's seen your mother."
2) Use the phrase "Do you know who I am?!"
I've always wanted to say this, but I'm a nobody with bad BO. Once I'm a billionaire, I'll buy some soap and say it with passion. It'll get me into restaurants, clubs and out of jail after commiting vehicular manslaughter. It's like a get out of jail free card. Just ask Alice Walton.
3) Buy my childhood bully a puppy.
I'd send him the cutest little dalmation in the world. He'd grow to love this dog. That's why I'd set the dog to explode after exactly five years. Police investigators would find the remnants of a small time bomb along with gallons of bloody puppy remains.
What will I say if called in for questioning? See #2.
4) Buy a condo in DC
I'll still need to save up a bit for that house, but you know, it's a start.
But there's no argument. It's Jewish law. The Romans came up with that crazy "if your mom's a Jew, you're a Jew" rule a wicked long time ago.
Plus, your mom fessed up. It's totally not a big deal. There's no need need to flip out on reporters like Peggy Fox. She was just a little confused cause, well, you seem like a racist nut.
Maybe you're just uncomfortable with being Jewish? Like maybe there isn't enough room on your desk for both matzo ball soup AND confederate flags? Dude, just get rid of the noose. Give 'em to your buddies at the Council of Concerned Citizens.
Actually, now that I think about it, they might not take it. You're Jewish. They don't like Jews.
But I like Jews! You can hang out with me anytime. We'll drinks some beers and talk about what it's like to have your entire worldview shattered. Also, maybe you can explain to me the need to wear cowboy boots in Virginia. I mean, it's not like there are cowboys in Virginia. That's never made sense to me.
Anyway, write back soon! Me and Tyler are totally gonna get smashed at Mad Hatter. Maybe you can meet up?
Police arrested three "young people" in Wisconsin for trying to make love with the corpse of a former crush. Nicholas and Alexander Grunke, and Dustin Radke, attempted to dig up the corpse of Laura Tennesen - who died last month in a motorcycle accident. They were later released because it's perfectly legal in Wisconsin to stick your willy in dead things.
That's not the best part though. This is:
"On the way to the cemetery, Radke said, they stopped by a Dodgeville Wal-Mart to buy condoms 'because Nick wanted to use them when he had sex with a corpse,' the complaint added."
Good thinking! All kinds of STDs are out there. Plus, you gotta watch out for unwanted pregnancies. But seriously, was he worried about disease or is he just a health nut? How much of a health nut can you possibly be if you hang out in cemetaries digging up dead ladies? Could this guy be a hypochondriac as well as a necrophiliac? Tough combo.
Finally, how is it that Wisconsin doesn't have anti-necrophililia laws? This is the land of Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer. Their state motto should be, "Home to Sick Fucks. Literally!".
Take action, State of Wisconsin. Redeem your good name.
Helicopter pilots employed at PHI went on strike today. From the Daily Advertiser:
"PHI's unionized pilots are expected to begin their strike today despite the company's attempt to get a federal court injunction to prevent them, a union official said Tuesday...PHI is a helicopter transportation company that flies oil and gas workers into the Gulf for companies such as Shell, Exxon and BP. It is unclear as to exactly what kind of an impact this could have on the oil and gas sector."
I've discussed the possible repercussions of this here and here. Let's hope this ends quickly. But I'd fill up you gas tank while you still can, this could really have far reaching consequences.
What's an appropriate birthday gift for someone turning 100?
My girlfriend needs to find a gift for her childhood next-door neighbor. This is a delicate matter. Thankfully, www.findgift.com has an entire section dedicated to 100th Birthday Gift Ideas. Check out these choice selections:
What 100 year old wouldn't want a cape? It will remind them the Age of Exploration, back when pirates named Blackbeard sailed the high seas. You know, their childhood. Plus, it looks a lot like a hospital smock, which is something they'll need pretty soon anyway.
Hey, elderly lady. Want some Elderly slippers? These Elderly slippers have velcro. In case you feel too elderly to wear normal shoes.
I've always wondered where old people found their cool shoes. Now I know. Silvert's Clothing for Seniors.
Imagine this heartwarming scene: Grandpa opens his gifts as his entire loving family sits nearby. "What did you get me, Billy?" he asks, "Oh, Diabetic Care Socks. Thanks so much. These will really help with my swollen feet. Grandchildren are so thoughtful! Can someone shoot me now?"
There's nothing like rubbing it in. You're old. And incontinent. But we're ok with that. Plus, these will help you get a little action on the side. Horny old Mr. McSweeney will be able to pinch that cute tukus of yours any day of the week.
All in all, I think these gifts are depressing. Why make an old person feel old? When I'm that age, I plan on smoking lots of drugs. Maybe even trying the hard stuff. I don't do that now, because I've got too much to accomplish. But at 100 years old, I'm going nuts. That's why I think my girlfriend should get her kindly next door neighbor this:
The booze belt. This gift is perfect for grandmas, grandpas and centenarians everywhere. It's perfect for russling up vodka tonics while shuffling off to the bathroom. Go out in style, that's what I say.
Get yours quick before some jock who pop collars buys up the entire lot.
Something bizarre happened between 1950 and 2006. American society got real casual.
We went from this:To this:in just 50 years!
Personally I think it's great. I wear sneakers to work and no one cares!Unfortunately, older generations view progress differently than I do. Legions of elderly freaks fear the societal consequences of our collective slacking. They think it's one big slippery slope from uncombed hair to block-party orgies.
Obviously, that's insane. People don't feel comfortable swinging up and down K Street. I've asked around. But there are real world consequences to the generational fear of change.
Just look at the recent bruhaha over this photo by Thomas Hoepker. Frank Rich wrote an op-ed in the NY Times about the "young people" featured in this picture. It really doesn't matter what he wrote, but folks at Slate got pissed off and wrote their own opinion piece about these "young people". Then one of the "young people" featured in the photo wrote into Slate and said, "Hey, I'm forty years old!"
This is what bugs me. Ok, the whole controversy over the photo bugs me, but that's already been blogged about ad naseum. This is what REALLY bugs me. If you dress down, keep your hair long, or simply refuse to wear pressed pants and loafers, you're viewed as a "young person". No matter how old you are! I fly on planes all the time and you have no idea how often I'm asked,
"What are you studying in school?"
Nothing. I'm not studying in school. I have a full-time job. It's not an internship.
I think for past generations, when you reached a certain age, you were supposed to stop "dressing like a kid." But for many people today, there's very little societal pressure to throw out the t-shirts and jeans. Casual Friday has taken over.
We still have to put up with snide remarks and demeaning attitudes. That's a small price to pay, if you ask me. I wear t-shirts to work. This is a golden age we live in.
"Many of those chosen...for the Coalition Provisional Authority...lacked vital skills and experience. A 24-year-old who had never worked in finance -- but had applied for a White House job -- was sent to reopen Baghdad's stock exchange. The daughter of a prominent neoconservative commentator and a recent graduate from an evangelical university for home-schooled children were tapped to manage Iraq's $13 billion budget, even though they didn't have a background in accounting."
"Many of those selected because of their political fidelity spent their time trying to impose a conservative agenda on the postwar occupation, which sidetracked more important reconstruction efforts and squandered goodwill among the Iraqi people"
"One former CPA employee...wrote an e-mail to a friend describing the recruitment process: "I watched resumes of immensely talented individuals who had sought out CPA to help the country thrown in the trash because their adherence to 'the President's vision for Iraq' (a frequently heard phrase at CPA) was 'uncertain.' I saw senior civil servants from agencies like Treasury, Energy . . . and Commerce denied advisory positions in Baghdad that were instead handed to prominent RNC (Republican National Committee) contributors."
Chandrasekaran presents what should be the Democratic Party's key talking point this fall when it comes to national security issues:
President Bush and the Republican Party would rather put unqualified party loyalists in charge of stabalizing and rebuilding Iraq than hiring the best and the brightest. They put political patronage above national security. How can we possibly trust them to protect our country?
Forbes just released their annual list of America's 400 richest people. For the first time ever, everyone's a billionaire.
