Dear Senator Allen

Look dude, you're Jewish.

It's cool. We're fine with it.

But there's no argument. It's Jewish law. The Romans came up with that crazy "if your mom's a Jew, you're a Jew" rule a wicked long time ago.

Plus, your mom fessed up. It's totally not a big deal. There's no need need to flip out on reporters like Peggy Fox. She was just a little confused cause, well, you seem like a racist nut.

Maybe you're just uncomfortable with being Jewish? Like maybe there isn't enough room on your desk for both matzo ball soup AND confederate flags? Dude, just get rid of the noose. Give 'em to your buddies at the Council of Concerned Citizens.

Actually, now that I think about it, they might not take it. You're Jewish. They don't like Jews.

But I like Jews! You can hang out with me anytime. We'll drinks some beers and talk about what it's like to have your entire worldview shattered. Also, maybe you can explain to me the need to wear cowboy boots in Virginia. I mean, it's not like there are cowboys in Virginia. That's never made sense to me.

Anyway, write back soon! Me and Tyler are totally gonna get smashed at Mad Hatter. Maybe you can meet up?