Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Revenge of the Democrats

Things look bleak for the Republican Party.

Barring some Pelosi-Reid murder suicide pact that involves grenades and uzi's on the Capitol grounds, the Democrats should take back control of Congress.

But will the Democrats rob the Republicans of all their power, dignity and respect, just as the Republicans did to the Democrats over the past twelve years?

Probably not. But here are a few suggestions for the Democrats, just in case:
  1. Take away every committee leadership position from the Republicans except Chair of the House Committee on Science. Instruct the Republicans to A) appreciate the irony and B) use this time to study! The Blue Section of Lessons in Science covers important topics like "You Can't Get AIDS from Tears" and "Dinosaurs Did Exist, Stoopid!"

  2. Get rid of filibusters once and for all. See how many Republicans object. Call them flip-floppers, then instruct them to appreciate the irony.

  3. Move all Republican Congressional offices across the Anacostia River. See if they still want to get rid of that handgun ban.

  4. Impeach President Bush.

  5. Officially rename all minority leadership positions. "House Minority Leader" should be changed to "Director of Impotence and Failure". "Senate Minority Leader" should become "Captain Sunshine Happy Parade". Instruct Captain Sunshine Happy Parade to wear a clown suit at all times. "Minority Whip" should be renamed "Republicans Molest Teens, Esq". If the Republicans object, pass a law banning Republicans from Congress.

  6. Ban lobbyists from hiring Republicans. Then ban lobbyists.

  7. Force Republicans to rename every Orwellian-named bill passed in the past twelve years. For example, the "Clean Skies Act" will have to be renamed the "The Act to Repeal Air Pollution Controls and Introduce Even More Toxins Into the Environment Act". The "No Child Left Behind Act" will have to be renamed "Please, Leave Children Behind! Act".

  8. Rename Ronald Reagan National Airport. I don't care what you call it, just fucking rename it. Make it illegal to say the name "Ronald Reagan" in public. Allow it to be used only as an offensive verb, something like, "Man those Republicans sure do like to Reagan teenage boys."

  9. Impeach President Bush.
Have any suggestions? Add it to the comments section!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

British People Love Corny Shit

Did you know that according to a new survey James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" is the most requested funeral song in Britain?

I don't know who James Blunt is, nor do I care, but the other top choices suggest a previously unrecognized level of empathy and decorum on the part of the average British person:

  • "Fame: I Want to Live Forever". Please note the subtlety of this choice. Not only does it present a poignant if not confusing statement on humanity's mortal existance, but it will leave your friends and family wondering if and when your rotting corpse will rise from the grave, driven by the urge to pirouet off cars and later do porn after failing to make it on Broadway.

  • "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. I can only hope the most requested version is the 1987 Guns N' Roses cover. Nothing says "Goodbye" like Axl Rose's tortured weltschmerzen. But make sure the funeral home still has a tape-deck , because I doubt they've rereleased the single on CD. Do you think they'll ever release Chinese Democracy? Man, that's gonna be a great album.

  • "I've Had The Time Of My Life" by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. It's got the slow, touching intro duet followed by an up-beat mambo dance section. How can you go wrong? Your family can mourn your loss while at the same time dirty dancing Swayze-style. Perfect choice.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Virginia Wine Festival Reviewed

I went to the Virginia Wine Festival this past weekend with my girlfriend. We learned several lessons:
  1. Frat guys drunk on wine suck just as much as frat guys drunk on cheap beer.
  2. Sorority girls drunk on wine suck just as much as sorority girls drunk on cheap rail drinks.
  3. Frat guys and sorority girls go to wine festivals in Virginia and get drunk.
I'm not the most sophisticated guy out there but even I know it's uncouth to shout "i just threw up so much!" while talking to a winemaker about the subtlety of their Cab Franc. Stumbling into a group of 60 year old Virginians while screaming "this wine is terrible!!!" is also a no-no. You just don't do it.

We were initially worried about our inability to properly swirl wine, but by early afternoon the most sophisticated patrons at the Virginia Wine Festival could barely speak without slurring. "Gimme that one" passed for polite conversation.

I'm not complaining. We had a lot of fun. But this was definitely wine tasting Virginia-style.

One last thing.
Why do we still have open-container laws? It was a pleasant sight to see people casually drinking wine in the open air, sitting on the grass with open bottles, sharing laughs with friends. The world did not end. Frogs didn't fall from the sky. People just enjoyed themselves.