"Wal-Mart's Holiday Marketing To Focus On Low Prices"
WHAAAAT?! Low Prices at WAL-MART? Just when you think you've world's largest discount retailer figured out, they go and throw a curve ball like this. I can only imagine what's going on in that marketing department:
Wal-Mart Exec 1: Man, how are we going to turn this stagnant dinosaur of a company around?
Wal-Mart Exec 2: Christmas is coming. We need a new angle!
Wal-Mart Exec 1: Yeah but what?
Wal-Mart Exec 2: Wait a minute, (looks at oversized Wal-Mart logo hanging above door, pauses for several minutes) I got it!
I hope these geniuses get a medal for Outside the Box Thinking.
Governor Bob Ehrlich has been trailing behind Baltimore Mayor Martin O'Malley in the polls for the 2006 Maryland Gubenatorial race. What's a Republican to do when a blue state realizes it's blue? Showcase fantastic ads like this featuring your charming candidate for Lt. Governor. She's got INFORMATION:
“Part of what attracts me to Governor Ehrlich is he believes everyone regardless of their age, their race, their disability, how poor they are, how rich they are, have something to contribute, and he believes it to his core and so do I.”
It's the new talking point for compassionate conservatism:
"Republicans: We're Not Rascist!"
Or better yet,
"Republicans: We're Not A Bunch of Hateful, Racist Pricks Anymore!"
It really does say a lot about the state of the Republican Party today if they feel the need to TELL voters that they AREN'T prejudiced. I think we've entered a new, enlightened age of political discourse.
My girlfriend and I wanted to have a Halloween Party, but no one could make it. We figured it would be better to cancel the party than look like fools eating candy corn by ourselves in stupid costumes.
Mandie told me to send out a dis-invite. This is what I came up with:
Dear Friends,
Regretfully, we're canceling our Halloween party. Logan accidentally killed the maid with a candlestick in the Billiards Room, and he's got a lot of explaining to do downtown. That will probably take all week. Mandie stubbed her toe on a rusty nail, and it's become infected and now they want to cut it off. But it can only be amputated on the 28th, which makes having a party that night impossible. Isn't that ghoulish?
Don't fear, we're still going to have a party but it will probably be pushed back a couple weeks. We'll let you know. In the mean time, have fun doing all the things that you're evidently doing on Saturday that don't involve responding to our evite.
"Love"
Logan & Mandie
Mandie rejected this version out of hand. She deemed it was too "in your face". So I came up with this:
Dear Friends,
We regret to inform you that the party is canceled. Logan was found dead in the bathroom from a drug overdose. Also, Mandie has come down with the flu. Halloween will go on, but not at the Haunted Mansion.
We still plan on having a party in the near future. It's just going to take a week or two for Mandie to meet a new life partner and clean up the mess Logan left in the bathroom. If you want to help out, donations of bleach and paper towels would be appreciated. Don't tell the cops though, we don't need them fuckers in our face.
Love,
Logan & Mandie
Again, I faced rejection. How can I be in a relationship that subjects me to such unconscionable censorship? I broke up with "Mandie" on the spot. She took both cats, but I kicked her out onto the street. Happy Halloween, honey bunch!
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