What a Billion Dollars will Get You

Forbes just released their annual list of America's 400 richest people. For the first time ever, everyone's a billionaire.

That got me thinking. What would I do with a billion dollars?

Here's my top 4 ideas:

1) Buy a Senator.

I'd give him a million bucks and install a special red phone in his office. I would then use this phone to call him up with entertaining instructions like, "Today in the cloak room, rub your balls in front of Chuck Schumer for an uncomfortable 5 minutes. Stare with intent," and "Next time you walk into the Senate chambers, wear your briefs on the outside of your pants. Find the nearest Senator and ask if he's seen your mother."

2) Use the phrase "Do you know who I am?!"

I've always wanted to say this, but I'm a nobody with bad BO. Once I'm a billionaire, I'll buy some soap and say it with passion. It'll get me into restaurants, clubs and out of jail after commiting vehicular manslaughter. It's like a get out of jail free card. Just ask Alice Walton.

3) Buy my childhood bully a puppy.

I'd send him the cutest little dalmation in the world. He'd grow to love this dog. That's why I'd set the dog to explode after exactly five years. Police investigators would find the remnants of a small time bomb along with gallons of bloody puppy remains.

What will I say if called in for questioning? See #2.

4) Buy a condo in DC

I'll still need to save up a bit for that house, but you know, it's a start.

5) Buy a levee

My friend in New Orleans really needs one.