Friday, September 08, 2006

Mafia Bible Uncovered, Secrets of Good Marinara Sauce Revealed

Italian officials have recovered a Bible from the home of Sicilian mafia boss Bernardo Provenzano that contains secret codes and ciphers. Officials believe it could reveal new Mafia secrets.

Provenzano had been on the run for 43 years. Italian officials captured him in his birthplace of Corleone.

Yes, you heard right.
Corleone.

The Bible was later discovered in Provenzano's ramshackle "hideout" described by the press as a "hut".

While this so-called Mafia Bible may reveal earth-shattering news, I'm a little suspect. If Donnie Brasco and the Sorpranos have taught me anything, it's that these people aren't that bright. They spend most of their time thinking up new ways to beat up hookers and snort blow (like with rubber mallets and through the ears, respectively).

What possible secrets could still have? Who killed JFK? Factual proof of J Edgar Hoover's cross-dressing? How to make really good bruschetta?

Actually, that all sounds great. Let's hope they can make some sense out of those dots & squiggles. I want to get me some good bruschetta.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

An Alternative Set of Procedures

President Bush finally confirmed the existence of a formerly secret CIA program that holds "terror suspects" overseas.

During a telling press conference held last night, President Bush discussed 14 "high profile" suspects including Osama bin Laden associate
Abu Zubaydah. The CIA held them (along with who-knows how many others) without charges in various Mystery Countries spread across the globe. They're now being shipped off to Guantánamo Bay.

Also, we tortured them. Or at least, someone tortured them. But it wasn't "the US". And "torture" isn't the best term.

Let's just let Bush explain it:

"We knew that Zubaydah had more information that could save innocent lives, but he stopped talking. As his questioning proceeded, it became clear that he had received training on how to resist interrogation. And so the CIA used an alternative set of procedures. "
An alternative set of procedures? Does that involve belly-rubbing? Or maybe the comfy couch?

It kinda sounds like torture to me. Mr. Bush, how do you respond?


" I want to be absolutely clear with our people, and the world: The United States does not torture."

Ok, that's pretty clear. The US doesn't torture. But prison guards in Saudi Arabia or Egypt might! Just as long as the CIA supervises.

The Washington Times Endorses Republicans, Shocks World

In a shocking development, The Washington Times has endorsed Republicans Robert Ehrlich for re-election as governor and Michael Steele for U.S. Senate.

Sun Myung Moon and friends suggest that Ehrlich and Steele offer a "refreshing contrast to the liberal, "yellow dog Democrat" orthodoxy" that has dominated Maryland politics since the early 1970s."

If the definition of Yellow Dog Democrat is any indicator, it would seem The Washington Times believes Maryland voters turned to the democrats in the 1970s "simply because of lingering resentment against Republicans during the Civil War and Reconstruction periods."

That's funny, all of those peace parades in Tacoma Park gave me a different impression. Apparently all those hippy anti-war activists vote Democrat because Lincoln freed the slaves.


Thanks Washington Times!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Elderly Pervert Hungry For Ass, Votes

Maryland residents may remember William Donald Schaefer as a popular two-term governor. I'll always remember him as a senile misogynist.

The current Comptroller of Maryland shocked local residents last February at a public meeting when staffer Elizabeth Krum brought him a drink. Schaefer leered at Krum as she walked away, then asked for her to return. He then told her to walk away again and took another long deep stare at the obviously uncomfortable staffer.

The "antics" haven't ceased. During an interview with Washington Post columnist Marc Fischer, Schaefer described political opponent Janet S. Owens as a "prissy little miss" who wears "long dresses, looks like Mother Hubbard -- it's sort of like she was a man."

He made similar comments to NewsChannel 8. "She's got these long clothes on and an old-fashioned hairdo," the liverspotted politician said. "You know it sort of makes you real mad."

What exactly makes the Comptroller angry? The fact that he can't fantasize about his 62 year-old opponent, or that he has to run against a woman in the first place? Maybe he would rather run against a conga line of tit-shaking barely legal coeds?

Someone should call the Maryland GOP, quick. They'll be all about that.

Pretty Women on TV: NY Times Dissected

If you've got a few minutes to waste, and by waste I mean lose to eternity resulting in infinite sadness, read Alessandra Stanley's article on Katie Couric in the New York Times. Then read it again for every superficial reference to a female newsreporter.

No wait, I'll do that for you:
"Lara Logan, an experienced and unusually pretty war correspondent"

"wore a flak jacket and Chanel sunglasses."

"Ms. Logan'’s arresting screen presence also helped deflect attention from Ms. Couric'’s much scrutinized appearance (fitted white jacket over a black sheath dress)."

"...Ms. Couric is being held to a cattier standard."

"[CBS] doctored a publicity picture of Ms. Couric to make her appear longer and slimmer"

"She told...ribald stories...speaking often and openly about her lesbian relationship"

"she donned a bathing suit to take a bath"

AND

"is the first boisterously gay host"

Didn't know Couric was gay, right? Turns out she's a dyke.

This was the first NY Times article that came out last night reviewing Katie Couric's first appearance on CBS news. Think about that. It focused on her black sheath dress and sexy foreign news correspondent. Did Tom Brockow get this treatment when he took the helm of NBC? Did they discuss his brown pantsuit and handsome-looking staff?

I really shouldn't be surprised, but it's still just sad.

What pisses me off the most is that it actually has me thinking about Katie Couric.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Old People Bitch and Moan at the Kennedy Center

I've been told that kids these days lack manners, that society's ills stem from our inability to pass dinner plates to the right and our liberal use of swear words like cunt, bitch, fuck and Santorum.

They almost had me convinced until Sunday night when I witnessed an eye-opening scene at the Kennedy Center. I trekked over to the Millennium Stage to see my friend Sean perform some of his ambient-electronic musical magic as FFFFs.

The Kennedy Center offers free shows Monday through Friday, it's worth checking out. It's a little bizzare though because regardless of the show, the same group of people show up hours ahead of time for seats. I think it's mostly old-time Foggy Bottom residents who enoy live theater.

Taffety Punk Theatre Company came out first and performed some excellent music and ballet. Then Sean came on stage with his small table of samplers and electronics.

As soon as he started playing, the old ladies started yammering.

It was a sight to behold. One little old lady in front of us tapped the shoulder of a woman in front of her and started chatting,

"Mildred, is that you?"

"Oh, hello. It's so nice to see you!"

"How are the children?"

"Oh, just lovely, blah blah blah"

It was incredible. And it only got worse. A pair of grey-haired women sitting to my left started complaining.

"Well, if he started performing, he didn't introduce himself!"

The one of them shouted,

"This is not music! It's just noise!"

One of the ladies caught me glowering at her and shrugged her shoulders as if to say "Kids!" She thought I'd agree with her. My girlfriend and I just stared at her in disbelief. This is our friend performing music here! Good music! We were about to say something when they both got up, and very loudly, as if to register their disgust said, "Come on, dear. Let's go" and walked out.

Do people think it's ok to be loud and obnoxious when the performance is strange and unfamiliar? Or is just that "young people" don't deserve respect? I think it's a little bit of both.

I left feeling angry and pissed off. Strangely enough, I ended up back at the Kennedy Center the next day to see a reading of Swansong. The old people there acted with decorum and respect. They even laughed at the corny jokes.

C-SPAN Radio Rocks!

I used to set my radio alarm to NPR's Morning Edition. Personally, I think Renée Montagne sounds hot. But waking up to stories about Lebanese death-counts and Sudanese genocide can really put a damper on your day.

Since I'm a serious nerd, I now wake up to C-SPAN Radio. They have a really amusing call-in show called Washington Journal that consists of crazy people phoning into C-SPAN to voice their concerns about Demy-crats, immy-grants and those damned towel-heads.

Today's show really set the bar. One southern gentleman called in to suggest that they should make it mandatory for all passengers to carry guns on planes. Then those terrorists wouldn't have a chance, he reasoned. Then he said, "what, are yall stupid or somethin!"

Then an equally fantastic woman called in with her idea on how to stop illegal immigration:

"We have a lot of tanks, don't we?"

"Yes, I suppose we do," replied the radio host.

"And we have a lot of unemployed people, don't we?"

"Yes, that's right."

"So why don't we take all those people without jobs, put them in these tanks, and have them dig holes on the border, every hundred feet. Then we fill the holes up with water. That'll stop em!" she declared.

"Thank you for calling in, ma'am."
This stuff really gets me going in the morning. Arm every business-class wonk from Connecticut traveling on the LA-DC red-eye with a 9mm? Dig a moat along the Rio Grande? Amazing!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Weather Promo Roundup

Capital Weather has posted a fantastic appraisal of Weather Promos, Past and Present. It's well worth the read. Best of all, they've brought to my attention an amazing weather commercial from Fox Charlotte called "The Wonderful World of Weather."

It's taught me that there actually is something better than three meteorologists in a hot air-balloon.

Three meteorologists in a hot-air balloon who stop crime!






You'll be humming the theme music all day.