GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY CAN GO TO HELL!!!

George Washington University made history this week by becoming the first university in the country to raise mandatory tuition costs above $50,000. That's really quite amazing. Do you know why?

BECAUSE GWU IS A TERRIBLE UNIVESITY!

Do you know how I know? Because I went there, and I just misspelled UNIVERSITY. Also, it has mediocre academics. But let me break it down for you. For all you potential G-Dubbers out there in Philadelphia, New Jersey and Long Island, this is what your 50 grand a year will get you:

• Overcrowded Classrooms! Although some argue it's perfectly effective to teach International Affairs 50 to 100 obnoxious, copper-tanned New Jersey girls at a time, it's not for everyone.
• Fast Food! Do you like Burger King? Trans Fat? Want to eat it every day at above market prices? Do you like obesity? GW may be for you!
  
• Terrible Professors! They may have professors who are experts in their fields but working for the IMF for 20 years doesn't automatically make you a good teacher. It just makes you an asshole.
  
• A Cold, Uncaring, Corporate Administration! When it comes to academia, the main concern should be profit, right? That's what they say at GW. Why hire more permanent faculty when you just buy another hotel? Why pay living salaries to adjuncts when you can just bust their union? Why have an actual Student Union when you can just turn into a money-making conference center?

and best of all...

• More Student-Loan Debt than You'll Ever Be Able To Pay Off! I graduated from GW with a useless bachelors degree in International Affairs and $120,000 in student debt. That's with 10 grand a year in academic scholarships! My monthly loan payments are almost a thousand dollars a month and I'm barely paying off any principal. It wouldn't matter if I felt it was a good investment, but GW was a terrible school. I did find a job and can make those loan payments, but that was only because I was an activist while in college and made contacts that eventually paid off. But I was seriously a hare's breath away from working at Starbuck's like so many other people of my generation who graduated from a 4-year school with insurmountable debt and an utterly useless degree.

So in summation, the very idea that GW is the most expensive university in the country makes me sick, and the very idea that this might become common-place at universities makes me even sicker. If I ever have a child, and that's becoming increasingly less likely because I'll be paying off GW through 2049, they're getting home schooled. Until they're 24. By someone else. For free.

Tips for the First-Time Home Buyer

I don't know what YOU'VE heard, but first-time home buying isn't fun. In fact, it can be a real hassle. Thankfully, I've survived the process and have even picked up a few useful tips along the way. Here are a few thing to keep in mind next time you're looking for a home in Washington, DC:

• If the listing says "AS-IS", don't expect walls, floors or ceilings. Also, don't ask why the basement smells of pit-bull urine. Those blood stains in the cement are here to stay. Don't think a no-pit-bull urine-smell contingency in the contract will get you any traction, just suck it up and start up your own pit-bull-fighting ring after closing.
  
• If the listing says "Partial Renovations" it means they've installed a lovely granite counter-top in the kitchen and ignored the gaping hole in the roof. You can live in luxury while breathing in all that hearty black mold. Expensive cheese has mold right? So what's the difference if it's growing up your walls? Avoid the top floor though, it's a little damp.
• No matter what they say, Trinidad is not gentrified.
• There is a Long & Foster Realtor out there who's about 5 feet tall, has wire-rimmed glasses and babbles like Heathcliff Huxtable. Avoid him at all costs. He will not let you leave. Don't tell him you work for a union because he will snort in disgust and incoherently discuss Marx. If you do in fact wander into one of his open houses, expect to stay there for at least an hour and a half. This is no joke. He will scare you.
  
• Some people like tile...so much so that they tile their living rooms, tile their kitchens, tile their bedrooms, tile their offices, and even tile their stairs. These people are fucking nuts and if they think they're going to sell their piece of shit house for 350 they're out of their fucking minds. I feel very strongly about this.
  
• Skip the house next to the Bail Bondsman and Liquor Store. You don't want to go in there. You also don't want to hang out there. You don't even want to get out of your car. Drive away and try not to think about it.
• "Spacious 1-Bedroom Condo in a Great Location!" means it's six miles from a metro and consists of a long hallway and an outhouse.
  
• When you walk into a three bedroom row-house and it has ceilings, buy it!