Best News So Far: Pizza Delivery Drivers Unite!

• Dog trainer and mason William Gori proves you don't need a "degree" or even a "passing familiarity with the law and Constitution" to be a judge. Use the wrong bait at the fishing hole?! You're goin to jail, mister! Loiter while dark-skinned? You're goin to jail, mister! Towns across upstate New York have taken these lessons to heart. Word to the wise, DON'T EVER DRIVE NORTH OF WESTCHESTER COUNTY.

• The European Space Agency has taken all the fun out of space. That's not Elvis' head on Mars, it's just a big hill. Don't they understand that each time they debunk some crazy space alien conspiracy, it's another nail in their rapidly depleting budgetary coffin? Crazy sells. Take it to heart, European Space Agency, take it to heart.

• Looking for a quiet place to retire? Try Toronto. Dozens of Canadian mobsters have.
  

• You know it's bad when you're pushing for minimum wage. 20-year-old Domino's Pizza delivery driver Jim Pohle has started a union. He's even received 300 emails of interest from supportive pizza drivers. The real question is, will he affiliate with Change to Win or the AFL-CIO?