How to Know You're Committing a War Crime

President Bush urged Congress today to pass so-called "Terror Legislation" that would, among other things, clarify the torture techniques CIA torturers can use when (not) torturing suspected terrorists.

It turns out that said torturers must now abide by Common Article 3 of the Geneva Convention. That's because of a recent Supreme Court ruling, not because of long-standing international treaty obligations.

But Common Article 3 is, like, a total confusion-fest! Bush did some serious brow-furrowing while explaining it:

"And that Common Article 3 says that, you know, There will be no outrages upon human dignity. It's like -- it's very vague. What does that mean, outrages upon human dignity ? That's a statement that is wide open to interpretation."

Seriously! What the heck is an outrage upon human dignity? It could be ANYTHING! Next time someone stands on the left while riding an escalator in DC, I will most certainly shout,

"Sir, you have committed an outrage upon human dignity! You're in violation of Common Article 3 of the Geneva Convention! Out of my way!"

That dickhead will get tried for war crimes! But seriously, this is one vague law. President Bush, what can we do?

"And what I'm proposing is that there be clarity in the law so that our professionals will have no doubt that that which they're doing is legal...the standards are so vague that our professionals won't be able to carry forward the program, because they don't want to be tried as war criminals. They don't want to break the law."

That sounds reasonable. But I've got some simple advice that might make major new legislation unnecessary. Here it is:

If you think you might be committing a war crime, you probably are.

Write it down on a piece of paper, stick it in your pocket. Hold on to it for when you need it. Next time your shoving bamboo spikes through the fingernails of some Islamic fundamentalist and suddenly ask yourself,

"Is this a war crime?"

Take out the piece of paper, open it up and read it. Take a break. Get a glass of water. Grab a bite to eat. Then go back to your Islamic Fundamentalist's urine-soaked Egyptian prison cell and brainstorm up some new ideas.

You never know what you'll come up with when brainstorming.