I Wish I Were A Puppy

Sometimes I wish I were a puppy, so when I did something stupid people couldn't do shit. They'd just say, "It's alright. He doesn't understand. He's just a puppy."

Like if my boss asked me for some important memo, and rather than just saying "are we still having that conference call at 3?" and handing it to him I stuck it in my mouth and started to frantically run in circles, darting away every time someone got near. They'd try to chase me, but I'd be too fast for them. They couldn't do shit cause I'd be a fucking puppy.

Or like if I were fighting with my girlfriend about mortgages or NPR, I could just start to urinate on the floor. She'd get mad at me and shoo me outside, but otherwise she wouldn't do shit. The fight would be over, plus she'd have to mop up my pee. Cause I'd be a fucking puppy.

Or best of all, I could just stop wearing clothes. I could just sit around the house naked, licking myself in uncomfortable places and occasionally eating rocks and dog crap. Sure I might get diarrhea, but it's not like I'd have to clean it up. You would. Cause I'd be a fucking puppy.

Life would be sweet, but I guess I'll just have to live vicariously through my new 6 month old puppy, who has aged me beyond my years in just 2 short weeks. Do you know what submissive peeing is? I do.