I Expose Myself to a Bus Full of People
Mandie has been traveling a lot lately. She flew in from Vegas on Thursday night and had to drive up to Philly the next morning. I decided to catch a bus up to Philly on Friday afternoon so that we could spend the weekend together.
I took a Chinatown bus. The way I figure it, why pay 45 dollars for a Greyhound when you can pay 15 dollars for a Chinatown bus that might catch on fire? Things were looking good around 3:45 when I was one of only three people on the bus. I spread out all my stuff on the seat next to me and relaxed. Then around 3:50 people started to come in mass numbers. At five to 4, most seats were filled but the seat next to me was still empty. Then at the last second before the bus pulled out, two rather large women stepped onto the bus. The first woman sat in the seat behind me, and the second woman---a person of at least 300 pounds, sat down in the seat next to me.
I have nothing against overweight people but I just don't like sitting next to them on buses. Especially Chinatown buses. There just isn't enough room. As a rather skinny person, they inevitably take over part of my seat and I'm relegated to scrunching my arms together like a barking seal. It makes for an uncomfortable trip.
She quickly fell asleep. Not only could I not get out to use the bathroom, but she kept falling into me. Coupled with the person in front of me leaning her seat back onto my knees and the air conditioning not working, I was miserable.
The bus stopped briefly in Baltimore, at which time my seat-neighbor got up to use the facilities. When she got back, I used the opportunity to get up and use the bathroom myself. As soon as I got back there the bus started moving again. I went into the bus-bathroom and locked the door. I took a wiz. As I was pulling up my boxers, the bus driver slammed on the brakes. I flew back and slammed against the wall. My right arm slammed against the "locked" bathroom door which promptly flew open.
With my pants down and hands covering my shame I curtly shouted, "Jesus fucking christ!" to the bus full of startled passengers. I quickly grappled for the bathroom door and attempted to shut it. Unfortunately, the "lock" was still turned so the door would not shut. It took me several moments to properly unlock the door so that I could shut it, while at the same time pulling up my pants with the other free hand.
After closing the door, I buttoned up my pants and tried to prepare for the embarrassment of walking back to my seat. Should I smile and make a joke? Should I walk back quickly without looking up? Should I walk out with my pants down and say, "oh no, not again!?"
I went for the first option. As I opened the door I noticed a group of twenty-something women smiling at me. I tried to smile but it felt forced.
A smooth-operator would say something like, "Want to see more, ladies?" while making that shooting-gun hand motion.
I mumbled something like, "my wee wee fell out of my pants" and ran back to my seat in shame.
I took a Chinatown bus. The way I figure it, why pay 45 dollars for a Greyhound when you can pay 15 dollars for a Chinatown bus that might catch on fire? Things were looking good around 3:45 when I was one of only three people on the bus. I spread out all my stuff on the seat next to me and relaxed. Then around 3:50 people started to come in mass numbers. At five to 4, most seats were filled but the seat next to me was still empty. Then at the last second before the bus pulled out, two rather large women stepped onto the bus. The first woman sat in the seat behind me, and the second woman---a person of at least 300 pounds, sat down in the seat next to me.
I have nothing against overweight people but I just don't like sitting next to them on buses. Especially Chinatown buses. There just isn't enough room. As a rather skinny person, they inevitably take over part of my seat and I'm relegated to scrunching my arms together like a barking seal. It makes for an uncomfortable trip.
She quickly fell asleep. Not only could I not get out to use the bathroom, but she kept falling into me. Coupled with the person in front of me leaning her seat back onto my knees and the air conditioning not working, I was miserable.
The bus stopped briefly in Baltimore, at which time my seat-neighbor got up to use the facilities. When she got back, I used the opportunity to get up and use the bathroom myself. As soon as I got back there the bus started moving again. I went into the bus-bathroom and locked the door. I took a wiz. As I was pulling up my boxers, the bus driver slammed on the brakes. I flew back and slammed against the wall. My right arm slammed against the "locked" bathroom door which promptly flew open.
With my pants down and hands covering my shame I curtly shouted, "Jesus fucking christ!" to the bus full of startled passengers. I quickly grappled for the bathroom door and attempted to shut it. Unfortunately, the "lock" was still turned so the door would not shut. It took me several moments to properly unlock the door so that I could shut it, while at the same time pulling up my pants with the other free hand.
After closing the door, I buttoned up my pants and tried to prepare for the embarrassment of walking back to my seat. Should I smile and make a joke? Should I walk back quickly without looking up? Should I walk out with my pants down and say, "oh no, not again!?"
I went for the first option. As I opened the door I noticed a group of twenty-something women smiling at me. I tried to smile but it felt forced.
A smooth-operator would say something like, "Want to see more, ladies?" while making that shooting-gun hand motion.
I mumbled something like, "my wee wee fell out of my pants" and ran back to my seat in shame.
posted by Mr. Bottled at Monday, August 14, 2006
6 Comments:
I just came across your blog, and your story made me laugh. Thanks for sharing it, we've all had embarrassing events, but probably nothing like that!=)
I just read most of this post out loud to a room full of inordinately bored fellow grocery store employees. Next week I start school. I'll be reading this post out loud to anthropology seminar attendees.
baby you just made my day. it's good of you to share your embarassments so that others may be amused. much love.
It could be worse. Even more embarrassing would be posting comments on strangers' blogs with the name "hugmysoul."
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