Things That Make Me Feel Uncomfortable

American Apparel. It's not the sexy ads that creep me out. I think those are pretty great. It's the male product line. Just look at this insanity:

Fuchsia briefs? Who buys these? I'll tell you who: Hetero indie boys who want nothing more than to meet some adorable hipster girl at a "dive" bar so he can take her back to his "loft" for the sole purpose of stripping down to collectively admire his tight little pink panties. How cute and ironic! How secure in his masculinity!

The other day I mentioned to Mandie how neat it would be to own a nice white wife beater so that when we eat spagetti with red sauce and drink table wine I can slap her for getting out of line in style. But this "rib tank" is anything but stylish, and the torquoise would clash with my red and white checkered table cloth.

Who is this guy, Donald Sutherland? Why's he not wearing any pants? What possible purpose does this ensemble serve? There's not enough fabric to keep you warm. It looks quite tight around the arms, so it can't be comfortable. Is this male lingerie? Or is it what you wear while you get fluffed?

Yes, we get it. You're cool. The fabric prevents sweat from getting in your eyes. But do you put on this headband before going out at night? Is this what people in Williamsburg wear when power-drinking? Or is this more of a Saturday afternoon, "let's people watch in Union Square" kind of thing? I actually have a red, white and blue headband that I got in the 80s. I put it on yesterday but it made me sneeze cause it was so dusty, so I put it back in the dresser where it belongs.

Feet creep me out. It's something I need to work through, but this picture is simply appalling. The person is standing so straight. His feet look so symettrical. In my experience, every pair of 70ish tube socks I've come across look stained and smell bad. They belong in the bottom of school lockers. PUBLIC school lockers. Not on your feet. And for every girl you see wearing stiletto heals and 70s tube socks, I'll show you a person who has her head so far up her ass she can see the Pad Thai, Tom Collins and cocaine she had for dinner.