Celebrities (Should) Shoot to Kill

Since I plan on being a famous film star any moment now, I often think about how I'll deal with paparazzi. Will I punch them? Kick them? Throw acid in their faces? That might work, but viciously assaulting people can often land you in prison.

If Oz has taught me anything, it's that I'm not cut out for prison. Sure, I have a black belt in Taekwon-Do, but I'm also skinny and pretty. I'd be someone's bitch in no time, even if I shiv the first guy who looks at me wrong.

Thankfully I've come up with a sure-fire solution. I'll build an x-ray gun. It will be made of pure lead and shoot powerful x-rays. This will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the photographers' film will be ruined. You know how your exposures get all mushy after going through airport security conveyor belts? This will be TEN times worse. Secondly, I'll plant the seeds of cancer in those blood-suckers' bellies. They won't even know it happened until ten or fifteen years down the line when their doctor walks solemnly over and says, "It's in your colon, Phillippe."