Winning At Confrontation

Have you ever wanted to Win at Confrontation? I sure have. Often while waiting for the bus.

Thanks to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce (and the year 1984), I've now now got the perfect guide--Arch Lustberg's "Winning at Confrontation: A 'how to' booklet for those who face confrontation each day and must learn to win at it."

What does this booklet have to offer? Just let Arch explain:


Fantastic! I've always wanted to be a successful executive! They just never give me a chance cause I always bust into offices and pick fights with administrative assistants.

Arch, what am I doing wrong?


Apparently I'm not scowling enough. Next time I'm staring down fat union bureaucrats at the negotiating table, I'll make funny faces and hope for success. This is really helping. But what else should I concentrate on?


When testifying before Congress, I shouldn't simultaneously act like a dunce / confused old man? Won't I get pity points for saying stuff like, "Things were better when Martha was still alive"? No?

You're the expert, Arch. Teach away.

This picture doesn't help so much, but the caption sure does:


Seriously. It's. No. Joke. Carry on, Arch.

When telling your brother, "But she's 15! It's not like she's 12! It's not like she's pregnant! You've made mistakes! What, I'm the villain now?" make sure to use the proper hand gestures?


Don't touch penis during important meetings. Check.

This is really the show stopper. I don't emphasize syllables enough. Also, I don't use the phrase "He Should Be Fired." enough. Someday I hope to work within a community of stodgy old white men where knowing how to properly pronounce the phrase "He Should Be Fired." comes in real handy.

I think Arch has provided me with some valuable lessons, none more important than always dress like Bob Barker. This will come in handy tomorrow when I apply for CEO level positions at various Fortune 500 companies. It doesn't matter where. I've got the tools to WIN.